Five years and more...

It has been five years... It has taken me a long time to write this post mostly because I have been distracted, but also because I don't want to think about how long it has been, too long since I have seen your face, touched your cheeks, heard your voice, sat next to you and held your hand while you told me about a book you just read. I went to the cemetery, I brought yellow tulips, cupcakes, fruit, your friends were there before me and brought wild flowers and a little tea pot. We have not forgotten you... Sweet girl where are you? I feel you close sometimes, it's hard to explain, it isn't obvious, not something I can touch. I feel you inside me, all around me, it can last a moment or it can last days. It feels good but it's sad too, it's like we are passing through each other. Five years. Your brother is 12 now, handsome, he sings like an angel, the girls love him and he loves music. He is kind and gentle and moral all the things you loved in a boy, you would be proud of him and I know he wants to make you proud. He looks like you and that is so hard sometimes. It isn't fair to him or to you that I hold him tighter when I see you in him. Your sister will be 27 this year, holy cow Stevie can you believe it? She is still lost, still sad and angry and there is nothing I can do to help her, I make it worse and I don't know why or how. She needs me but she pushes me away. Sometimes I think she blames me for not saving you, I would have if I could have. I think she blames me because I can not fix this thing, and I'm the mama I should be able to fix anything. She is beautiful but won't see it, she needs you, she needs her friend Stevie to laugh at her jokes, give her a hard time and to think she is the coolest person around. She misses you so much, she won't believe in heaven so she misses you more. Ashley and Megan are grown up, graduated from college, they have boyfriends, apartments, lives...I am proud of them but it also hurts knowing that you are not here doing the same thing, that you should be here that I am missing out on helping you move, or celebrating your graduation and first job, falling in love with the boy who falls in love with you. They both got a tatoo to honor you. Megan got a yellow tulip and Ashley did fairy dust and stars with your birthday, it was such a sweet thing to do. I hope Sandy knows how lucky she is her girl's are a blessing. Adrian and Anthony are out of school, playing ball, dating girls driving cars and driving Rich and Kim crazy with this "I am all grown up and can do what I want, but pay my bills and feed me" time of life. I think Kim is lonley for a baby, a child to take care of, she is a mom, she needs kids, this is a hard time for her. Lumpy is drifting, I think he is depressed, I don't know what to do and TT is too tired and too busy. She tries in her own way but she doesn't know what to do he needs motivation, she doesn't motivate him, she can't he doesn't respect her enough. TT is working hard again, she landed on her feet, we all knew she would, she is a survivor. She saved her house and is rebuilding her life, I wish he could see that and be inspired. Dad is 53...he is terrified of being old but he acts old sometimes, I hate it, that thing is happening where people become an exaggeration of themselves. He isn't as happy but he always makes sure he has opportunities to be happy. He still plays tennis, performs (with Jeff) does a movie when he has the chance, travels, plays music. He is still himself I guess but he is changing. I guess we all change over time. Dad and I are still the same, I can't remember a time when we ever really got along. When we were very young we were a team for a while, but we had our differences. So many times I wanted to leave, so many times he wanted to leave but here we are 27 years later. Is this just what marriage is? The one (three) an only thing we ever did that was really good was having kids. I know Dad never really wanted kids and he bitched and complained all the time about it but I think he did an OK job for someone who never really wanted this kind of life. I know he loves you guys, he has worked hard to give you what you need. I think you guys are the best things in his life, you are his opus, his academy award. I am happy Stevie, I have every reason not to be but I am happy. Aly and Noah are healthy, we were able to keep what so many people lost during the recession because dad worked so hard. I have good friends, I have held my family close. It has been difficult since you left, my heart has taken so long to heal, and it is still healing, there have been deaths, sickness, hardship, and a lot of pain but here I am, still standing, still breathing, still able to hope and to love. You my sweet are a part of that, you keep me strong. You endured so much and I watched you, I held you, I listened to you and you never felt sorry for yourself, you never complained, you just kept hoping, kept loving, kept waiting for it to get better. You make me a better person, thank you. In the fall a baby is coming. After Claire died you would think I would be broken, that I couldn't do anymore. Your dad was awful, he said so many hurtful things, made it so much harder than it had to be and I could not understand it. In hindsight I see that if he had been kind and loving, if he had carried some of this for me I would have been ruined. He made me stronger, he forced me to fight back, he brought out the warrior in me. There were embryo's left...I had to make a decision. I knew in my heart that I needed to give them a chance, they were mine. I knew that if I didn't they would be destroyed. My heart wanted another chance, I needed to do this for reasons even I can't explain. I waited for the calm...and it came. It's the moment when you release your need, your pain, your want, your expectations. It isn't a prayer as much as it's a letting go. You say to the universe, "I give this to you, and I am at peace with what ever the outcome is" This calm is an incredible release. Dad was not supportive, there was no more money to make it happen, and the odds that it would work if I could find a way were very small. These embryo's were not great, and if they survived there was a 4-50% chance the same thing that happened to Claire could happen again. I waited in the calm, I stayed still and it all happened. The insurance company paid for some of the procedures I had and the total came up to the exact amount I needed for the transfer. My body healed up, it bounced back, it made itself ready, I didn't need to do much but show up for the transfer. Two embryo's thawed and were implanted, two weeks later I was pregnant. At 16 weeks and before anyone knew I was pregnant (I kept it a secret) I had an ultrasound that showed a healthy little boy with two kidneys. I wanted a girl, I wanted you to come home, I prayed for that miracle but in the stillness and the calm a little boy came, he chose me to be his mama, and that is it's own miracle. You are in heaven, and I have to believe you are happy there, so happy that even invited you said, "I think I will wait here" Noah has named him Elliott. I love that name, I love this baby. I don't know how it works but a mothers heart just get's bigger. This little guy and I have had a long journey, he was always coming I just had to let go and let it happen. My pregnancy will be term on your birthday, is that you telling me that you are still here, still my best friend, telling me that it will be OK? It feels like it. No one replaces you, no one ever will. You are my sweet bunny girl and that never changes. This baby will help heal my heart, and I believe with all of my heart it will bring hope and love to this family. We need this. I am 46 the same age my grandmother was when I was born. I had her my whole life. She loved me in her own way, she protected me, fed me and was my family. She left when she was 90, and it was sad but it was her time, she left when I didn't need her anymore, it's like she stayed until I was OK again. I know it is late in life to have a baby but it feels right. I have concerns because I am human but my soul is at peace with this, I feel like I am on the right path moving in the right direction. Dad is unhappy about my decision to do this, he wants to leave, and I have to respect that. He has been with me since I was a teenager, he has things in his life he wants to to that don't involve diapers and kiddie chaos. Dad is ready for the next stage in his life, he wants to do the things he loves and be in love. He has worked hard, he wants to slow down and find someone to hold his hand on a beach. He wants to act and travel, he needs a partner who wants what he wants. He deserves that. Well my love you see why I am so distracted. I am working hard to keep the store going, raising your brother, taking care of the house, growing a human being and coming to terms with what my be the end of my marriage. I am happy love, this is life, it is messy, unpredictable, sometimes unfair, usually bittersweet, but it is also full of all the other stuff that takes your breath away, makes you smile, makes your heart skip a beat. You can't pick and choose, what comes will come, what should be, will be. I am trying my best to stay in that still and calm place. I feel blessed to have someone I love so much, who loves me, waiting on the other side. When this wild ride is over, I get to be with you. Stay close sweet girl, know that I love you with all that I am. I won't forget, I will never forget. Mama