Friday, September 23, 2011
Today would have been your 24th birthday...or is it still? I am not sure how this works. To me you are still 19, I can't imagine you any older. It would have been nice to know you as a college student, then graduate, then working woman. It would have been nice to help you decorate your first apartment, come over for home cooked meals a la Stevie.
Would you have called me late at night to tell me about boyfriends, ask me how to get a pasta sauce stain out of a sweater or just call because you miss my voice and it helps you sleep. Maybe I would call you...yep I would every night and maybe you would ignore me, that would be fine with me.
Instead I am here on this planet in this physical body wondering where the hell you are and if you are somewhere what you are doing in that somewhere, that everywhere.
I imagine you with Claire swimming in a blue, blue, blue ocean, dolphins around you, water warm and the sky pink. I can hear you laughing in my imagination, the water splashing, you with a baby, our little baby.
Oh sweet girl the years are flying by and everything changes. I don't want it to change too much, I am afraid time will try to erase you, I won't let it happen.
I went to the cemetery today, when I got there a little man with skin like chocolate from working in the sun was digging a very, very big hole. I couldn't find your grave and for a moment I thought he dug you up. I got to the hole looked in and it was empty, no crypt, no coffin just that ugly cemetery dirt that doesn't look real. I asked him where you where and in his best spanglish he said, "service at two" and I told him "No, where is my daughter, where is her marker, what did you do with her?" I think I might have looked a little crazy and he lifted a big board he had placed over your marker to see if that was the one I was looking for.
I told him "Yes, yes" and he pulled the board away, swept the dirt and grass off of your marker and looked sad. I felt bad, it was 99 degrees out today and he was trying to dig a grave and have it ready by 2pm. He gave me some space to place the things I brought (big sunflowers, pussy willow a pretty green ribbon and green apples from our tree) . I didn't stay long, I knew he had work to do and I was grateful that he gave me time he did not have. I wished you a happy birthday, blew you a kiss and said, "C'mon Stevie let's go home".
The drive back was quiet, I didn't cry, I just sat in silence remembering the day you were born, thinking about the dreams I had for you, asking you to tell me where you are, to prove to me you are ok so I don't have to worry.
This is a hard time bunny. I am missing you and mourning Claire, it is a lot for a heart to take. I am doing ok, I am strong but you can see the cracks in me now. I want to try to have another baby, I don't understand this need anymore. Dad and Aly think I am asking for pain when what I am asking for is comfort. I ned to hope, I can't lose hope.
I believe Claire is with you where ever you are. I want to believe that you are telling her all about birthdays and all of your favorite ones, how much you loved parties, and cake, and presents. Maybe the two of you will plan a party so she will know what they are like too. Keep her close Stevie, I know she will love you so much and I know you will be a good sister to her.
Oh sweet girl what I would give to kiss your cheeks.
Know how much I love you...you still have all of me.
Happy birthday chumpkin,
Please God let there be a heaven, and let me girls be in the best part of it, where unicorns and fairies live, where angels sing, where cute boys with swinging haircuts sit and have coffee with geeky girls that wear glasses and can kill anyone at scrabble. Let my girls be together and please God Let me be with them again someday.