Golden

When the girls were little they made up something called a Golden Birthday, not sure if they originated the concept but they discovered it and introduced me to it. This is when your age and birth day match...For some reason this is a magical reason to celebrate extra big and they use to plan how they were going to do it. Stevie had no idea back then that she would not live to see her golden birthday, or maybe she did but knew they would honor it in heaven.

Today my girl would be 23, this is her golden year, her golden earth birthday.

Happy Birthday Stevie. If you were here, sleeping in your bed I would be up like I am now writing in my journal, remembering the day you were born, telling you how much I love you, how proud of you I am and how wonderful my life is because I get to share it with you.

I would bake a cake while you were still asleep so that when the sun came up it would smell like chocolate. I would bake a vegan cake, get the recipe from Teresa, decorate it with daisies and stick 23 little pink candles on top of it. I would cover your bed with rose petals so you would wake up like a princess. I would make you a bubble bath, stack a pile of new books all wrapped in shiny paper next to the tub for you to discover. I would stick the towels in the dryer so they would be nice and warm when you got out.


We would spend the day doing what ever you want, maybe take a last minute flight to Tahiti or Thailand. We would lay on beaches, eat beautiful things. I would make you a crown out of seashells, I would rub your feet with oil, I would wrap you in my love and never let anything bad happen to you.

We would watch the sky turn pink then find a concert under this big fat full moon, We would take a long boat ride under a sky of stars. We wouldn't sleep until the sky turned gold, the sun came up and the first day of Autumn turned into the second day.

I love you so much sweet girl.

This morning I got up and lit candles, one on the front porch for you to see from heaven, and one in the living room next to the picture of you in a white t-shirt that we took when we thought everything was going to be OK. Your hair was blond, cut into a bob, you still had a little girls body, but the eyes of a very old soul: so blue they were almost white, long dark lashes...sometimes when you looked at me I could feel the answers to everything.

Today I will cry...because I miss you so much, because I wish you were here, because I tried to have a baby so I could bring you back and it didn't work, because I can't kiss your cheeks, because it feels so unfair and so wrong that you are not sleeping in that big bed waiting to start the day.

I will go to the cemetery and bring you new flowers. Today I chose red Iceland poppies, yellow Dalia's, creme crepe myrtle, and a deep purple flower I don't know the name of. It is beautiful at Oakmont, so many people go there to walk because it is so lovely, I think you would love knowing that is were your body is. You are at the top of the hill in one of the newest gardens, next to the dry river bed. There are oak trees, lavender, purple and red bell flowers, roses, that long English grass carefully planted in tufts.

I will bring a blanket, and I lay next to you, I talk, cry, sing terribly. I will carefully arrange your flowers and apologize that they are made out of silk. The deer will eat the fresh ones and all that will be left are dried stems, and the silk stay pretty and colorful until the next time I come.

I spoke to a psychic that said that I didn't have to go there, that you are with me all the time. I hope you're not with me all the time, how terribly boring for you. I do wish that once in a while you curl up next to me in your bed and dream with me, or you sit next to me on the sofa and hold my hand while we watch something cheesy on television. I imagine sometimes that you hold onto my arm like you use to while I walk down 4Th street or cruise the isles at the bookstore.

Where are you Golden girl? What are you doing in heaven today? The sun is getting ready to come up here, and the moon is still big and full in the sky, is it enough magic to bring you home, just for a second so we can give you birthday kisses?

Stevie it is so hard to be here without you. I try so hard to believe in all the things my heart tells me to but I am so damn human, and it hurts.

I remember your last birthday, the Thai place in Benicia, family, big cake, the espresso machine I paid too much for but the smile on your face was so worth it. I have a photo of you from that day, you were so beautiful, drinking a tall Thai tea, laughing and being silly with your sister. I didn't know that would be the last birthday, I just didn't know.

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I stopped writing to go outside and watch the sun come up. I wrapped myself in a furry pink blanket we always took to the hospital with us. I stood outside my feet bare in the cold wet grass, my heart heavy with emotion. I watched the sun rise slowly over the foothills to my right as the full moon began to sink behind the foothills to my left. For a little while they both hung in a bruise colored sky surrounded by wispy pink clouds. I searched the universe for a message, searched my soul for a way to forgive God for this moment that was so beautiful and painful at the same time.

I am here on this planet; wet grass, a sun that is a clock, a moon that makes promises, in a body that has a broken heart and restless soul that aches. Where is my girl?

I keep searching, I keep waiting, I keep praying that this all has meaning and one day I will understand it.

Today is your birthday sweet. I would give you anything, anything at all. I wish I could give you my body for the day. You could come home and eat cake, read your old books, talk to your brother and sister, play scrabble, drink coffee, ride a bike, run in the grass, go to the beach. Even if it meant I would miss the whole thing because I would be asleep somewhere deep inside myself. Just knowing you were here and got to do your favorite things...

I am guessing heaven is a whole lot more exciting...

God I wish you were here, just for a moment.

A million kisses bunny, a million kisses best girl, I love you, I love you, I love you...

Happy Golden Birthday,

Mama