Saturday, January 23, 2010
Train of thought
It is late January, we have had some stormy skies, some beautiful clouds, not enough rain (even though it feels like we have had plenty), and winter nights that feel like winter.
The moon looked like a little boat last night, I imagined children rowing it through the sky, a sea of stars.
In December we went on a family vacation, to Mexico on a big boat that was loud and a little too much like Las Vegas and Disneyland had a bastard ship child and we were on it for seven days.
Aly got sea-sick then got better with the help of a patch only to get food poisoning from the fish she ate in Puerto Villarta. She was a puking machine but seemed very happy with the weight loss when we got home. She did well considering she doesn't like our little dysfunctional family much, but she slapped on a happy face for a trip to Mexico she didn't have to pay for.
I pulled a muscle in my back trying to help an elderly woman up out of a sun lounger. Her husband was about a hundred and I did that thing I do and threw myself at a situation I think needs me. My lifting skills are good but she started feeling dizzy and refused to sit back down so I supported her in a position that was not in my best interest. She broke my heart, she was crying because she felt helpless not being able to get up, it reminded me of Stevie and I didn't want them to have to get the kind of help that would require effort and attention. Once we got her up and stable they were happy, it made me feel good but I was in some horrible pain.
My period started before I could get too excited about the slim possibility that I might actually be pregnant so I had to trek through the harbor district in a Mexican city to a Walmart for Tampons. I didn't realize it was Christmas eve in a mostly Catholic country and the store was jam packed with people. I traveled to avoid the Christmas shopping and there I was in the middle of it.
What a crazy scene; ready-to-eat chickens in plastic containers, holiday wrapping paper, underwear, and pool toys all in the same isle of the store. It took me a little while to find tampons who knew to look for tampons on DVD's and car parts isle?
Everyone was coughing, it was a phlegm-fest. I thought, "Crap swine flu central, my goose is cooked for sure" Right on cue I was sneezed on by a little girl in the seat of a shopping cart who had a rattly chest and more hair than I have ever seen on such a small person. My left arm was covered with sneezy goo and I wanted to cry.
I wasn't leaving without finding antibacterial wipes but after ten or fifteen minutes I gave up the fight and surrendered to my fate...I was going to get sick. Three days later it began and I coughed, sneezed, got a fever and felt like hell. If you are going to be sick a cruise ship is a good place to do it (if you don't care about all the people you are infecting) You have room service, a doctor downstairs, someone washes all your towels, makes your bed and leaves you chocolate on your pillow...not bad.
Noah had fun and made a couple friends who live not too far from us (small world) he ate pizza, swam, got to wear a tie to dinner and danced a little. Steve was a little disappointed that I wasn't interested in being a cruise-ship couple but he did what he always does and takes off to find his own fun. There was comedy and a karaoke bar who could ask for anything more?
I know I sound like Debbie-downer and I don't mean to, it had it's super great moments, it was so nice not to have to deal with the sadness that this holiday brings, I mean we were missing Stevie but our environment was so different that we almost got to pretend it wasn't Christmas. We had some beautiful meals, listened to some upbeat rock n roll music played by a family band from the Philippines. They were good but I died laughing when the mama was belting Tina Turners "Whats love got to do with it" She had the voice but she hadn't worked out the English all the way "It is only da prill of boy meeting grill, opposit attract...it's only pisical" I loved it.
Then there was the chocolate extravaganza...back hurting, fever, leprosy couldn't keep me away, heaven, heaven, heaven. I had a pot of melting chocolate cake every night for dinner, brought it with me to the cabin and ate it in bed.
Noah and Steve body surfed and did a little snorkeling, Aly and I drank margaritas in dirty plastic cups from a beach vendor and bought cheap sunglasses from a man who had twenty hats stacked on his head. We all got nice and tanned, ate way too much food, and felt like a bunch of boneless chickens after a couple days. Not sure we are "Cruise" people but it was a nice trip for all the right reasons.
It's 2010 hard to believe how time just keeps doing it's thing. I have a long list of resolutions that challenge me to be stronger, more focused, more compassionate, helpful, and brave. I keep telling myself this will be the year I hit the gym and lose all this weight but after about three trips to the gym I decided I needed a break and headed on over to the bakery for a tea and a chocolate cupcake, after that I am like a junkie and it's been a down hill sugar high for me.
I've been sad, very sad. I miss Stevie and this baby thing isn't working. I have to make a plan to stop trying but it's hard. The bottom line is I'm not getting any younger, the insurance company won't pay for treatment, and I don't have a spare 26 thousand dollars to pay for IVF. Maybe it wasn't meant to be, maybe I needed this process for personal growth, maybe I just needed to try.
Yesterday on my way home from work there was an enormous pink cloud floating in a grey sky ready to burst. The cloud was shaped like a wobbly heart and reminded me of my girl. I told her I loved her too...why can't a cloud like that be enough?
When I went to put gas in my car I bought a lottery ticket, the jackpot was 105 million dollars. I don't need that much money but a little of it would be nice. As Fiest says in 1234, "Money can't buy you back the love that you had then" I know this to be true but it can offer me a little freedom.
The first thing I would do is a build a stable at Camp Okizu, it would be simple but beautiful and I would buy the camp four strong, gentle horses. I would call the stable "Stevie and the dream of horses" There would be an endowment to keep it running and keep the horses happy. Stevie would like that...
Then I would travel to Thailand and bury a pair of Stevie's chucks in the sand, light incense at a temple and walk for days, just walk and walk until it all there was was the ocean. Then off to Egypt to see the pyramids, Portugal to see the birthplace of my Great-Grandmother, and then to Italy to eat, sculpt, paint, and fall in love with my life.
I would keep my car, my house, and my red Dansko's. All the kids in my family would have money for college. Noah would get a voice coach, Aly would go to art school. Steve could quit his job, I would give him half the money to do what ever he wanted.
I would buy all the kids at Noah's school ice cream on a hot day.
I would go to Haiti and bring medicine, food and building supplies.
I would adopt a child.
Well my train of thought has just slowed at the station and I need to get off here and face the real world where people wear sweatshirts that say "Human-kind be both" and remind me that I have so much farther to go.