Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Hey baby girl,

It was a warm May day, the sun is setting, I missed all the colors but the sky is still beautiful. Noah and I watched "That Thing You Do" and I kept thinking of Briana when Liv Tyler had a little camera time. I never met Briana but I feel like I know her a little. Iva must feel the same way about you.

I keep smelling you in your room late at night, just for a moment then it fades.

I moved stuff around in the store, doing that thing I do and play a constant game of Tetris with my space until everything fits just right. If you can't arrange your life, arrange furniture. It looks good. Lana came in today to help me roll up ribbon, she even got her husband to come out and do some heavy lifting if it needed doing. I don't know how to recieve kindness, it makes me feel akward and emotional, another something to work on.

I am moving the studio back into the garage and having new carpet put in the sunroom. I feel like I am taking up too much space in a small house. I don't work at home much so moving back into the garage makes more sense.

(The new carpet will be refreshing, remember when someone spilled spaghetti sauce out here and we could never quite get it all up. In the summer when the room heats up it smells like underarms and oregano. It will be nice to have that gone but hard to give up another thing that you touched, that was a part of your life here.)

I am let my hair grow long, and letting it be as curly as it wants to be. Silly. I am too old to pull this off but I want to grow it one last time and finally have long hair. You will have to keep me from going out and cutting it like I always do when I get tired of being a slave to it.

Tonight I made ravioli and arabiata sauce and a big salad you would have loved. I made a lemon dressing that was really good. I was remembering you in the kitchen making ravioli from scratch (you savage) ever the purist, always the finest ingredients. I ate way too much bread, so much for the diet. I also ate a million ginger cookies at work, what is it about ginger snaps that tastes healthy? little tricky cookies!

I am going to go out and soak under the stars after I write this. Orion has moved out into another part of the sky and I feel like I 'm lost, I'll need to find another reference point, maybe the little dipper will be my guide for a while. The moon is almost full, I can see her face. I pretend that you can see her too and it is one thing we can both be a part of in the same moment. What was that old song...

"Even though I know how very far apart we are it helps to know we both are wishing on the same bright star and when the night wind starts to sing her lonesome lulliby it helps to think were sleeping underneath the same bright sky"

Aly is leaving soon to the South to visit with Hunter. She is pretty excited. Keep her safe.

I am reading one of your books, I had to take a break because there was a part that turned me upside down. I am going to read a little bit more of it tonight, it is a good story and you have always had excellent taste in authors, among other things.

Remember when we met Jodi Piccult in San Fransisco, we were standing behind her and she was ordering Starbucks just like a regular person. The book she spoke about, the one she was writing at the time is the one I am reading now. I am not crazy about all the prison stuff but I can understand her fascination with this world inside a world. In the book a young girl needs a heart and a man on death row wants her to have his.

I have always said that there were a million people who could have died, why you? There were child molesters, rapists, and serial killers all sitting in prisons... I would have removed a heart from anyone of them with my bare hands if it meant saving your life...

God just sees people as people, souls as souls no one more or less valuable than the other. I guess it is how I should see it, and I do but I miss you and need you here with me so I can have someone to tell all my secrets to, to talk to late at night, to watch grow, to be proud of, to learn from and to feel connected to.

You were my person...

Now I am getting all sappy so I better stop righting and get into that water and under those stars.

Let's go look at the moon sweetness,


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

When I read your posts I feel like I'm reading the letters I wrote my sweetness and light after she died of a brain tumor in 1999. Your love is so palpable and that yearning you share to keep Stevie close remains everlasting. And, for me, what my daughter and I had here, in these moments on this beautiful earth is enough. To remember them, to cherish them, to long to have had more of them is what it means to continue to love them and to be their proud moms.