Fairy dresses.

I took a picture of your fairy dresses today. When we first moved here you made little clothes for fairies out of the flowers in the backyard, these were skirts.

The moon is so incredibly bright and full. I just came in from looking at it and talking to you. I feel you close by again. It isn't a kind of close I am use to. What my physical body wants is to be next to you, to feel your warmth, smell your skin, hear your voice. My spirit knows you are here, I just wish I could be happy with that, believe it without doubt, and be comforted.

I am reading a book called "There is no Death" by Betty Bethards. It is a small and self published, Veronica gave it to me. Even though there isn't anything in it that I have not already heard it is still comforting. She lost two sons, surviving that alone means she must understand something I do not.

She believes that our bodies are just suits we wear while here on earth. They help us get a job done. While we are here we are working and learning but it isn't real, it is all an illusion of some kind. The real "Life" happens when we once again shed the suit and go back home.

Is that what happened? Did you shed that suit of yours so that you could go back home and be done with all of this?

In the book Betty writes that we simply slip out of our bodies and experience a beautiful dream that we do not have to wake from . We are reunited with beings we love and we are so very happy.

I like that.

She says that when we grieve we don't really grieve for the person who has gone home because deep inside we know where they went. We grieve and cry for ourselves because we are left behind without them and long to go home too.

She is right.

I wish I could close my eyes and see where you live, what you are doing, and know how happy you are.

You would be wearing a pink sweater and your hair would be grown out, long a wavy, the ends curling. Your cheeks would be warm and pink and you would be wearing the cutest shoes or maybe your chucks...no, cute shoes in heaven you could wear any kind of shoe you wanted because you wouldn't have to worry about flat feet or falling down.

I think you would be surrounded by books, maybe you found a library that goes on and on and never ends. You would have a tall coffee with caramel sauce and whip cream and a big bowl of fat red cherries because in heaven every fruit is always in season.

You would spend your days traveling not just from country to country but from planet to planet. I want to believe you wouldn't be shy but I feel like you still would be. I loved that about you, how you kept yourself private, you made people come to you.

I hope you are laughing and being silly. I hope you talk to angels and to God. I hope you know how very loved you are.

Do you know Aly had a dream that she was at an opening of mine, it was a show full of the cutest things, there was some kind of film playing in the middle of the room. She said she just kept thinking "Oh my God Stevie would love this" She said she was sitting next to you in a chair with her head on your shoulder saying, "I wish Stevie was here, why isn't she here?" and you answered "Yes, why isn't Stevie here?"

I am hoping that dream was about Tangerine. I wish you were here doing this with me, sometimes I think you are...I am going to make it wonderful Stevie, a place you would love, I want you to be proud of me, you should be here telling me if the blue is too blue and if there is enough room for all four tables.

Yesterday I was buying a mannequin and I talked to you all the while. Damn, is it me or is it you? Is it us, can it be us...I want it to still be the two of us doing these things.

When I look up at that full moon everything solid falls away and I can imagine an endless universe where you must be. Maybe you are attending the birth of a star or counting comets. Maybe you are exploring galaxies or visiting your star at the knee of Hercules. What I wish most is that while I am looking up at that moon you are looking down at me and remembering...

I love you Stevie so much, so very much, it is an infinity kind of love,

Mama