CHRISTMAS

The rain is coming down I can hear it loud on the metal roof of the sunroom.  Every one is in bed, the only light is coming from the Christmas tree and the garland around the fireplace.  This years tree is all coral pinks, I have so many of your ornaments on the tree this year; mermaids, a kitty, glass angels...it is a pretty tree.

We have a dog now, a giant puppy, his name is Theo, he is a golden-doodle.  I am not dog people Stevie but Elliott needed a buddy, he loves animals so much and it was the right choice for him, the two of them are the best of friends, loud, messy, always wrestling best friends.  He is a great dog, smart, affectionate always smiling ( I didn't know dogs could smile).

Elliott lost his two front teeth and he is adorable, his new teeth are starting to come down, they are big, he will have a beautiful smile, he is so damn handsome.

Noah cut off his rock-star hair, it was his idea, he wanted to but I don't think he realized how much of his identity was wrapped up in that look he created for himself on television.  He is going to grow it long and curly, I think he will be even more beautiful.  He wrote a new album, it is gorgeous, I hope a million people get to hear it and fall in love with it.

I didn't bring you your flowers they are still in my car.  I hate seeing them there because I feel like you think I forgot about you and I didn't.  You were in my dreams last night, you were getting ready to go somewhere, you were in high school, I was helping you with make up and you were having some struggles.  You spoke to me telepathically and said, "see this is how it would be, it would be so hard" and I said, "I don't care, I love you, you are perfect, it isn't hard, it was never hard".  When I realized I was dreaming I woke up.

This has been a good year, it wasn't always easy and I had to walk across fire a little but I know how blessed I am and good things happened inside me and all around me.  I felt you with me, I always do.

I have to put presents out, play Santa and every year you are not here it feels so wrong...your stocking isn't hanging there, there is an N, an E and an A but no S and there should be.  I hate it and some big awful space opens up inside me and swallows me. 

I am sitting here inside out, missing you.

I will be ok, that is what I do, I pretend I am ok and I live and thrive, and work, and stay busy and when it's quiet I sit here and think, and cry, and miss you.

I have not forgotten, I did not move on without you, I take you with me, you are always with me.

I get older Stevie and there are more years behind me than in front of me now and it frightens me.  I don't want to be old and invisible, I don't want to fall apart and get sick, I don't want to be all alone with memories and dusty furniture.  The silver lining is that I am that much closer to being where you are and I imagine us sitting on a beach or on a hill top covered in red poppies and we are laughing and sharing stories, our earthly bodies gone replaced by what ever "skin" we had before.

Until then I am here wrapping presents, paying bills, building a business, making art, cooking dinner, replacing tiny teeth with little gifts and coins.

I need you to find me tonight I need to know you are ok, that is all I want for Christmas, is for you to come to me just the way you are and say to me in that whispery voice of yours "Hey mom it's ok, I am here and I am happy, I am ok, I will see you later".

The rain is slowing down, it is getting late, I am so very tired and your sister who is 33 will be the first one up in the morning, she still loves Christmas and she gives the best presents.

I love you sweet pea, more than all the starts in the sky.

Mom