I lost the weight, almost all of it. I feel good, I feel like "me" I am not in love with my body but I am learning to love it, respect it, and take care of it. It has been the beautiful vehicle that I have traveled in for the last 52 years, it has carried all of you safely and delivered you into this world, into my life. It has walked me down roads, I have floated on lakes and on oceans, I have felt rain fall on my face, I have climbed trees and mountains, been touched with love and anger and love again. I laid next to you on the last day of your life this body pressed close to yours my lips on your bald head, your last breaths on my cheeks. I will honor this body the rest of my life, it took me this long to understand all this but here I am.
Your baby brother. He is a person in the world, brave sometimes, strong all the time, and always on the move exploring, learning, climbing, jumping, falling, and coming in for the big hug. You would love him so much Stevie. If you sent him here to me thank you, he is perfect, perfect for us and he and dad are best friends, the most unlikely of best friends but they love each other so much. Maybe all this was so dad could feel this kind of love again, maybe he didn't know how much he needed it.
I have had to face a lot of fears and phobias and I wish I could say that they are no longer fears of phobias but that wouldn't be true all I am is a little more brave but I like that, I will take that and run. life is all about growth and change and that means doing things you never thought you could like hike up and down the side of a steep cliff praying to all the gods just so you could spend the day on the most beautiful beach with your kids and watch the sunset. It's saying the things out loud that have been holding you down and hurting your heart out just so you can feel heard and let them go. It's getting into an airplane over and over and not crying or losing sleep because even if it went down you realized finally that your life is good and who you are and what you did here was enough. Its saying good bye to your father in a cold hospital and becoming an orphan and not being afraid of being alone because you never were.
Today I sit in an artists tent at the Universal lot, on the set of a very successful TV show with your brother. He is waiting to do a stage rehearsal. He is calm and quiet, fighting a cold, losing his voice because he has been here singing since June. 40,000 people auditioned for this show, hundreds of people told him he needed to try, again and again he said "I am not a competition singer, this isn't for me" then last spring they called him.
We were camping, I thought the call was a practical joke, after a lot of goofing around and after I embarrassed myself I realized it was real, they were serious, and they were inviting him to come and do the show. He wasn't sure he wanted to, we talked him into it, I think he did it for me, not out of love but because he was tired of me nagging him. I had a good argument, he had a good argument but I laid down the mom card at the end, he pulled the good son card, because thats who he is as we packed our bags for LaLa land.
It has been a long journey, your brother has been through so much, learned a lot and he has grown into a young man that I am so very proud of (I was always proud but now I have a million more reasons). Oh Stevie, I know you have been close by the whole time, I feel you. He gets all the credit for the hard work but I know you are there smiling. He never took your place, no one ever will, he in his own way is taking you with him. He is stubborn like you, looks like you, and he has big dreams like you, he is your brother but he is also himself.
He stayed while others left, he never expected any of this and he has fans (that is so weird to say) people love him, love his music, his art, his look, his face, his voice. I don't think he quite understands what has just happened, all he can think about is getting back home and into the studio so he can record the album he wrote before this all started. This has been a wild ride and its exciting but he wants to make his own music, its like an itch you can't scratch, being really hungry, or waiting for the plane to land so you can see the person you love.
People make art for him, I think he loves that most, he treasures it. What I like most about him is that like you he believes what he believes, its strong, he is sure, and he is good, his heart is so good.
Will he win this thing? Not sure. My prediction (for what it is worth) is he won't. Not sure the prize is worth the price but he has done very well, better than he thought he would. He is here with competition singers who have made a life out of this, who have accomplished a lot, some are older, some have been training a long time, some are very driven and have a strategy, and some want this so bad that they have sacrificed much to be here. He is humbled to be able to sing and hang out with them, to learn and share with them, these are his people, if nothing else came out of this I think those friendships were worth it alone.
There is a girl here who seems so familiar to me, dad said the same thing. We can't explain it, from the very beginning we have been drawn to her like she is family, I like everything about her. She feels like she could be one of my kids, I want to protect her and feed her and make her wear a sweater when it is cold outside. It is so strange. I wonder if once in a while we meet people that we knew before in another time, on another time line and some part of us remembers...
I know television isn't Noah's thing, music is but this has been really positive, it doesn't mean its been easy or things have gone his way all of the time or some of the time but people try and they have been good to him, good to us and they honored Noah's request not to use your memory as a gimmick to sell him. I just love that nine million people know who you are, that you are still real. Sweet pea, I won't forget and the world will never ever be the same without you, after ten years you are still here, still a part of our lives, your body is buried, it died, but you did not, sometimes I beg God to let me talk to you just for a minute, bargain with the universe to give me something to let me know you are ok...but if I take a deep breath and feel all the blessings, look at all the love and good that has come our way...I know, I just know.
You live in us and around us, when I can let myself feel and believe that I am not afraid of anything and I am sure all things are possible. I haven't stopped dreaming, I am so not done here yet, I plan on making you very proud puddin'
Don't be too far away,
Love you bunny,
mama
