April

The weather turned and turned and now it is warm and the blossoms are falling from the fruit trees in the yard.  I put most of our garden in the beds dad built for me, four big squares frames by thick planks, filled with organic soil.  The plants are so small and fragile looking but I know as spring turns to summer the beds will be full and green and beautiful.

The pink tulip did not come up this year.

Your daffodils did.

April is a hard month.  Without warning the memories come back...that last days.  It is like my body has memory it know what April is, will always be and it goes into auto pilot.  I hate it but I embrace it too.  This is your time, it deserves to be honored, you deserve all my attention, and the pain is mixed with all the love.

Your brother is over 6 feet tall now, he is beautiful Stevie, you would be best friends.  He looks like you a little, he has your sense of style, he is a little stubborn too, in his own way.  Your sister is still living at home, she is grown up now but still needs to hold on to something here, any part of you she can, that is us, this house, these rooms.  Elliott is different, he is his own little person, like a little bulldog, he smells awesome, he is silly, and he loves

dandelions just like you.

I am getting wrinkly.  It happens, and its happening fast because I spent way too much of my youth in the sun before there was any such thing as sunscreen.  I am cooking again, making art, chasing Elliott around, still crazy, still me.

I miss you.

Everything keeps changing but some part of me is frozen in time because I can not let myself forget anything, I won't, it was too wonderful, even the shitty stuff.  I would give anything to go back for a day and just lay next to you while you read a fat book, to listen to your breath, to touch your cheek.

Don't be too far away, I need you close, I try to act tough but sweet girl I can not do this part by myself.

(Please God let there be a heaven, let my girl be there waiting for me, having fun, doing all the things she loves most, surrounded by people she loves who love her.  Let there be books and puppies, good coffee, music, soft clothes, big beds, full moons, and only falls and springs.)

I love you Stevie,

Mama