Spring

Its the last day of February. Spring is coming I can smell her, feel her, she is waiting outside the edges of Winter for her turn. I love spring, she holds promise, there are gardens to be planted, weeds to be pulled, leaves pushing through the ground and out of branches. The days get a little longer and the sun is out more and more warming everything back to life, even me.

I love the way spring transforms the back yard, my heart, my state of mind, making me forget the cold of winter, helping me remember every Easter egg hunt we have had here, the year we put in the fish pond, took out the fish pond, put in the hot tub, planted the fig tree, got rid of the old wheel barrel that use to hold daisies and violets...

I can't forget the spring Stevie left and the cherries grew on the tree and everything changed forever but hope didn't die, love survived and here we are, oh here we are.

I belong to her, I am her servant. I am the keeper of her memory, I cherish the things she left behind, I am the caretaker of her grave. I do this because I must because I could not breath if I didn't. She left and I was left behind here, somewhere she waits and watches and I am determined to make her proud, to do this right, to keep my promises. I wait to for a miracle I don't know what it will look like or feel like or how I will know it has happened but it will, I am sure of it.

I adopted four little embryos. I don't know much about them only that they were left behind, the donors could not continue, they had broken hearts. To heal they had to move on. To heal I am taking their place. My heart may be broken too but I have to try, it's what I do.

In a month I will know if these embryos will become babies. If they are meant to be born and if I am meant to give birth to them the universe will set this all into motion, hopefully it already has. Spring is my lucky charm.

This house needs a baby, a beginning, the sound of children laughing, cartoons, and a big plastic wagon on the front lawn. This family needs a child and all that comes with it. Not everyone agrees with me, and I have been told that I should be thinking about filling an empty nest with vacations, quiet afternoons, long lunches with friends and getting to know my husband again.

I am not an empty nest kinda girl, I am not ready nor do I crave hours and hours of quiet and a life that does not include a messy house, Sunday breakfast, and bedtime stories. There will be a time I am sure when I want my life to myself, when I will love not stepping on Lego's or having a bath free of Mr.Potatohead and all of his friends. I am sure that I will someday want to walk on a beach with my husband no smidgets in tow who have to pee...

I still need monsters under the bed, I want to pack a lunches, I want to be late for the dentist, have a calendar full of places we need to be and things I need to remember. I want little feet under covers, good morning kisses, cereal and bubbles. For me this is the best part of life and I have not had enough of it yet.

I am designed to live long, to survive famines, and wars, to heal from mortal wounds and to defy odds. I don't know why. If I am staying I am going to make this life mine by doing what I love most by filling it with family, friends, art, words, good food, and a belief in something bigger than myself. I want to learn about the stars, understand how deep the ocean really is, find things no one else knows about. I want to write a story, learn to sing, travel to the pyramids, toss a penny into the Grand Canyon, and eat dinner in Italy.

I will grow old with our without a broken heart or a house full of kids. Time is what it is and it moves slow when you wish it would pass and too fast when you need it to slow down. It is it's own being and I live inside it, I can't change it but I can be my own being and love and protect what is inside me.

On Thursday I reach for a miracle, and I don't stop reaching. I will go where the universe guides me. I won't be afraid. I have been in the Winter of my life I want to be warm now, I am ready to grow, I am reaching for the sun. Like Spring I am waiting around the edges, waiting for my turn.

Stevie

The daffodills are up, the ones I planted for you when they were your favorite. They made me think of you, it is a bittersweet thing, I can see your face in them, your smile, and hear your voice but I also remember that you will never see them again, not like before.

Soon the tulips will be here, then spring...

I am praying that spring will bring a baby. This is the month I try, I have adopted four embryos.

I wish you could come home, that you could come back as a little baby that smells like apple blossoms and has the color of heaven in her eyes. It could happen, miracles happen...

My arms are empty. Noah is a big boy now, off running around, performing in show after show, hanging out with friends, getting crushes on girls. Your sister is a woman, when I was her age the two of you were running aroun the house putting toothpaste in your hair, fairy hunting, and macaroni and cheese eating.

I am lonley for a little hand in mine, bedtime stories and beginnings.

Don't be mad at me for wanting this, needing this. You are my heart, my love and my very best buddy in the world. No one has ever or will ever take your place.

I have been so busy, I just keep working hard, it helps, it keeps me focussed outside instead of inside, it helps me sleep, keeps me breathing deep and hoping.

I love you sweet girl, so much, it never changes, it never goes away, it is a part of me, you are a part of me.

If you can't come home send me a little sister or two that might need a silly mom. Tell them there is chocolate cake for breakfast at our house, that we sleep in a big pile in soft blankets and tell stories until we fall asleep. There are fruit trees and a big trampoline and spaghetti dinners outside when the leaves start to turn and fall. We swear like pirates in the summer on our little boat. Dad and I agree on nothing and we are a miserable comedy but we are a family, a good one, a strong one.

Do you miss us? We miss you.

Come home if you can, the window has been open, and I am opening it up a little more.

I love you bunny,

mama

To try or not to try...

Falling into place...

It is Sunday, the sun is out but the air is cool and crisp and tastes like winter is coming. It is a good day.

I got an email from a woman who is willing to give us embryos. We spoke with her some time ago but they chose another family who also lost a daughter, That family is now pregnant (and I wish them happy healthy babies)...and there are still embryos remaining. If we want them they are willing to gift them to us.

I have been holding my breath since I read the email.

I told Steve and after a long talk that lasted most of the night and some of the morning we decided we would go for it. He is worried about his age, worried about money, worried about everything there is to worry about. He knows this is what I really want and that I am very sure. He loves me and wants me to have this chance. He will continue to worry but I think it is what we do as parents. We worry so much because we want so much for our children. We know that in a blink of an eye everything can change, we need to be their hero, protector, teacher, friend.

Steve was 41 when Noah was born and his father was 43 when his younger brother was born. I think it will be fine. We have enough of everything...when we had the girls we had nothing and we did just fine. I know this will be good for our family, it will help us heal, love is a powerful thing. I know, know, know this will be good for me, for so many reasons.

We are older now than we were when the girls were born but we also own a home and business, we are smarter, stronger, wiser, we have worked out all the bugs, we understand kids, know what to expect and don't sweat the small stuff anymore.

We have also been married for twenty five years and there are days I would like to run away from home but bake instead. We are both active, work hard, we are healthy and my genetics promise me a 100 years if I look both ways before I cross the street.

These embryos are not a sure thing, they have hurdles to jump and so do I. They have to survive the thawing process, my body has to be prepared. They have to implant and my body has to embrace them. They have to continue to grow and my body has to nourish them.

My prayer is that it all turns out like it should.

I asked for one good thing and good is raining all over me today.

I thank these donors with all my heart. I am not sure if they know how much this gift means to me and how they are changing lives and building families. I asked the universe for a chance, and with thier help I am getting it.

So cross your fingers and toes for us, send up a prayer if you are so inclined, good thoughts are welcome too.

Now I am going to get my little guy outside we have a new RC helocopter to fly.

Emily

I opened my email tonight, from T a short note "I just read on PBT that Emily passed away".

My heart sank.

When Stevie was diagnosed a joined a support group for parents that were caring for children who had brain tumors. It isn't a club anyone wants to belong to and when I first joined I could not believe I was a member really. I would sit there and cry feeling so sad for these families and all they and their children were forced to endure.

One night I reached out, it isn't easy for me to do that, I like to feel strong and in control even when I know I'm not. I would rather hug someone than to be hugged.

I remember going to the movies back then and there was a St.Judes spot they ran before the film. I cried, my sister felt terrible for me, I turned to her and said "I just don't know how these people do it" She reminded me that I was doing it and it hit me, "Oh my God we are one of those families, my kid has cancer, I am a cancer mom, this may not go well"

I made many friends on that list, what usually happens though is that when a child transitions to the next world that parent also transitions to the next part of their life and we lose track of them when they do. Then just as fast another parent posts, terrified, a million questions, needing someone to hold them up because they can't sleep or eat or figure out what to do next.

We were all falling apart but we somehow managed to hold each other together, I don't know how, love is a powerful thing.

I soon became a moderator and met two amazing people who remain in my heart to this day. They still keep this list running, making sure there is always someone to greet a new parent, they offer advice, resources and will call you at the hospital at two in the morning if they think you are melting down and Melt down I did.

When it was Stevie's turn to transition I left the list.

Teresa and Julie would not let me go. They kept me, held on to me and saved me. They were like a tag team without even knowing it. These two women who didn't even know my first name just an ID on a computer screen reached out and made sure that I knew I was loved and I was not alone.

Tulips arrived over and over I still have no idea how they found them. T made a book out of my posts, wrote me every morning and became my guardian angel. Julie wrote me posts, called me and kept me in a place that felt as normal as possible, kept me human. She made me laugh, she shared her life with me, she supported me with cards and flowers and little gifts that touched my heart.

It has been three years.

Julies daughter Emily has left for pink skies.

I want to wrap her in my friendship, give her back what she has given me. Tonight I will light a candle and say a prayer that Emily is being welcomed home by all the people who love her and have been waiting so long for her return. I will say a prayer for Julie and her breaking heart.

Julie my sweet friend I love you so, I am here...this is a new club, like the one before no one wants to belong to it, but once again we are bonded, strengthened and healed by the very thing that has broken us.

You are not alone, you are loved and your sweet girl has broken free from that cocoon and can finally spread her wings...her task here complete. They are everywhere my friend, everywhere.

Gabriell

Everywhere...

Rain is starting to fall, tiny drops that lead to big fat ones that lead to puddles and shiny roads. Fall is here Stevie, one of our favorites. If you were here you would make me buy you yarn so you could start knitting hats and scarves for Christmas. You would be so happy because Pumpkin Lattes would be available at the coffee shops and we could start baking treats in the kitchen.

I bought ugly pumpkins this year the kind that have warts and greeny stripes. I'm not sure how we will carve them but like most years we might not even get around to it and they will stay on the porch for Thanksgiving. Remember when Sarah use to paint them gold for Christmas? I loved that.

November is almost here and with it come the memories...it's like that now everything reminds me of something we did, we should be doing, I wish we could do again or I wish never happened. My life is a series of little events (some big ones) all linked together by a chain I can't see but feel deep inside.

Dad now thinks a baby might be a good idea after all the tears, all the roadblocks he put up, all the arguments...he shut down the factory, sent everyone home now he wants to turn the lights back on and save the day. It is too late. He doesn't understand how these things work and it makes me mad, sad, frustrated. He has no concept of time or urgency, to him everything and everyone stands frozen until he decides what he wants and when he wants it. I think he is just afraid I will really leave now that there is nothing left for me to stay for. He can't see I left a long time ago.

I really thought you could come home and if you couldn't maybe you would send someone I needed, that would need me. You know how my heart works, I need to be needed.

I crave family it is what my heart was made for, even my body was created for it. At 45 I can still have a baby, nothing has changed, it has always been easy for me, I have always loved being a mom. I am not sure what I am if I am not. There are other facets but being a mom is the on big shiny one in the middle, on top, most important, all the rest on the sides support it, bring light, help it to shine brighter.

Someone suggested foster care and I love the idea of being that person but I also know I could not let a child I love go. I don't know how to love a child just a little, it's selfish so maybe the job isn't for me, my heart can't do anymore breaking and letting go. I need something to hold onto for a little while.

The store is still here and today I sit quietly at my desk looking out at the rain, watching the cars pass by, drinking tea and thinking about you and how you are hidden all over it. On days like today I can imagine your spirit floating around the shelves, moving in and out of little cupboards and doors like Tinkerbell. You would love the gumballs and flying monkeys, the big orange chair and the funky jewelry. You would want me to order more candy and gifts made by geeks...I wish this was enough but it isn't.

Where are you?

When I got in today a customer had left a gift for me, a small box wrapped in orange ribbon, inside it a lovely necklace she made. She came in a couple weeks ago and we talked, she listened more than I did and I gave her a copy of Pink Sky. She is a writer of children's book who is hiding in corporate America. I wanted to encourage her to follow her passion.

Her story was bigger than I knew and she shared the book with someone she loves who lost a daughter...

The necklace had little floating letters on a chain that said "Everywhere" and on the clasp was a single pink bead.

I needed something good to happen and she made my day. I am overwhelmed with the kindness of people sometimes. She wanted to thank me...she has no idea what a gift it is for me to be able to talk about you, to let one more person know you, know your name, to keep you real.

You were in my dreams last night, you whispered "mom" and I was watching you make a little tunic out of green fabric with pink embroidery, it was simple and sweet and very you. In my dream I wished I paid more attention to every single thing you did. I didn't know how important it all was and how it would be all I had left...those memories.

I would give anything to time travel, even if it was only for a minute, just to touch you, kiss your cheeks, listen to your voice.

I love you so much bunny, so very much...it is so hard to not be near you.

Please be in Heaven, please be waiting for me.

Mama

This is a blog about living with loss...well I guess it's about a lot of things and maybe nothing really...

I woke up this morning realizing that I am not me anymore. I don't even look like me. I have days where life seems almost normal but not my normal, like I skipped over into a parallel universe and I am living a life that is almost exactly like mine but not really. I would have liked to stay where Stevie never died but I guess this me would still be here in this hurting place.

For me everything broke when Stevie left. It started cracking when she was diagnosed but I was able to hold us together with hope and make-a-wish trips, I was able to pretend for both of us, for all of us that we just needed this journey to bring us closer to something bigger and at the end of the road would be a healthy kid who endured this gigantic thing and someday it would be her story to tell. I never let myself truly believe that I would be sitting in front of a computer writing my story, well her story, our story.

For those of you who have not lost a child...

I understand that losing a pet, a friend, a grandparent or even an aging parent is difficult, painful and has it's own process, but losing a child is a different animal. I am not saying my grief is more than yours, if you have ever lost someone you love grief is grief but again this breaking is something different it has to do with the order of things, it's primal, it goes against what we are made out of as mothers.

Unfortunately I know a lot of mothers who have a lost a child who have also lost a husband, parent, and or best friend and they say that the loss of a child feels like your own death.

Forgive the drama but anyone who is a parent has had the scary dreams, the worries, the emergency room visits what I am going through is the thing you fear most. We are designed to protect and love our children it is so much a part of who we are that we can not really separate ourselves from them completely even when they have children of thier own.

When your child dies a part of you dies. For some people all of you dies, life is too unbearable. I understand that level of pain, all of us who have lost a child do. If you havn't I am betting that it isn't too hard to imagine.

My point is that life breaks when the your child takes her last breath, you break, and I am not sure you ever really recover from that, I think it's permanant. I know a woman who I connected with when Stevie was having radiation, her 8 year old son did not survive treatment and I watched her die, her skin changed color, her eyes her voice and the way she walked. She lost her ability to dream, to hope, to want anything, her will was destroyed. She now has chronic pain, does not leave the house unless she has to and has become invisable in her home.

There is a spectrum to this as there is with all things, I am broken but I endure because I am designed to. That does not mean I don't crash and burn, I think it's what saves me. I honor my grief. That is hard for some people to understand, they think OK you lost a kid but you have the rest of your life to live, you have other children at some point you get over it and get back to business. They grow tired of this new you that isn't as much fun, that doesn't laugh at the old jokes, that might not find the little things important anymore. You have joined a club they would never want to pay the dues to join. They need you to be you, thier friend but you have changed in a way that they can not understand.

I had an event at my store, it was big and wild and it was a great distraction but I found it hard to be there 100%. I had dinner out with wonderful and interesting people but I felt the need to fade into the background when my default is to be front and center.

Is this growth? Is this new me going to be a better me, a stronger and more certain me or am I turning into my own kind of ghost?

It is all about changes, I have shed my old self and new skin is growing, I am turning into a different person. I am excited and frightened. This new me will have to be strong because I will always carry my daughter inside me, every memory, every morning, every whispered secret, the smell of her, all of her.

I want the old me back, I want my daughter back, I want to time travel back to a place where cancer had not knocked down the door. What I have is this and I am learning to live with broken, learning to accept change, trying very very hard to understand that my grief will always be a part of me but it does not have to be all of me.