Today

This is a blog about grief, this post is about pain.

I know I am not alone in the is world with this empty place inside me but sometimes it feels like it is just me and this pain and nothing else but an infinite universe that will not comfort me, that can not comfort me because it is a vast sea of things that are only alive until they die.

There are days when I almost feel normal. I work really hard, stay distracted, watch video's, get knee deep in paint and clay, cook, clean, run errands, make plans, and fall down tired at the end of the day. That is a good day. It feels good because I am productive, entertained, and I am outside of the hurting for just long enough to believe it will all be fine that there is a plan, and I am just here to get some work done until it is time to go back home and be with my girl again.

Then there are days like today when I wake up with a heart so heavy it is almost impossible to get out of bed. I lay there in the gray morning watching the tree outside my window begin to change again. It will be spring soon and she will not be here to help me plan our famous Easter. We both loved Spring best and we would talk about what we would serve for Easter Brunch, who we would invite, where we would have the hunt and who was too old this year to do it.

Stevie loved Daffodils and tulips, the loved the colors of spring, the new clothes, the promise of pretty sweaters and cute shoes. We would shop, plan, cook, and play. She was fun, she was my friend and it feels so wrong that she is not here. It feels like spring is gone forever.

I sit up in bed and smell her pillow, it is gone, her scent, it is finally gone, and I can't remember it, I have no way to get it back. I can describe it because I remember the words but I will never have it again. She was peaches, bubbles, sugar, flowers...

She is drifting away. I am holding on tight but there are things that time is taking away. It feels like I have to keep mourning...

I can still remember this time last year. It wasn't good, it was the beginning of her dying. I knew and didn't know. I thought I was one of God's favorites and no matter how bad it got I would stay in favor and we would be protected. This was a thing that happened to other people not me. Not Stevie.

I am not OK. Everyone thinks I am. They see me doing things I used to do, doing things I always wanted to do but could not. They think I am free, that I am growing, that my life is finally mine.

It isn't mine, it belongs to a clock that ticks in time with the beating of my heart. I am a prisoner inside this body, inside this sad place. This is where I really am, this is where I wait.

I need so much. I feel like I was once a bright spot on this planet and God could see me, knew I was here, listened to me, loved me.

I feel forgotten now.

I try so hard to stay floating in this sea of tears but I need so much and that need is so heavy.

Dark blue. Dark blue.

Stevie if you can hear my soul let me know. You came to me in a dream wearing a pink shirt you were holding something you didn't want me to have but I can't remember what it was. I can only remember how beautiful you looked and how hard I tried to go back to sleep so I could find you again.

I dreamed of a hospital, a maze of corridors, of rooms and of people telling me I had to leave and come back in the morning. I didn't want to go, I didn't want to leave you there hooked up and sleeping, cold under hospital sheets, in room that never gets dark. Then you were sitting at the end of the bed, you were so pretty and you were well. I knew we didn't have enough time and you told me you missed home and that you really missed your sister and you were gone before I could ask you anything.

These bits and pieces should mean more. I just don't know what is real. Is this just dreaming? Just my mind replaying parts of my memory? Is it you trying your best to find me, giving me what I need like puzzle pieces? I don't know, I just don't know.

I am trying to believe but this rope I am hanging onto is beginning to fray. Save me.

When the cherry tree blossoms I will be undone. I can not buy the Easter eggs, I am not having brunch, it is too much. The daffodils we planted stood tall in the storm, they are full of rain water and they miss you, they are pale, the double cups didn't come up.

When the tulips come up it is going to hurt, especially the one pink one by the walnut tree.

Come home Stevie, it is too lonely here without you.

nineteen

Yesterday was cemetery day. Is it weird that I do this every month?

It doesn't feel weird, it feels right.

Every month I change out the flowers, bring a blanket, take a nap, talk, play music.

Is she there?

Her body is. I loved that body, those cheeks, her hands, her sweet lips, and the way she smelled like flowers all the time.

I go to honor her body, and to honor my sadness.

Being there is as close as I can get to her physically. It is also a beautiful park, so peaceful.

There will be a lunar eclipse tonight; the moon, the lord of the rings and the heart of the lion eclipse. I hope the clouds part just enough for me to see it.

All the illustrations for the book are done including the cover. This is taking so much longer and I am not painting anymore panels. I meet with Chel and Iva on the 27th, we are getting closer and closer. I really want it done before the Memorial for Stevie and Brianna.

Well I need to get myself into a tub I am stinky and covered in paint. I am bringing Theatre de la mode with me.

Blessings my friends may peace, love and understanding surround us.

Take me flying...

Hi ya sweet girl
Making art all day
Thinking of you
I lit a white candle
I sang Bruised in the tub
The daffodils are up

I used your satsuma soap
Pretty paper was on sale
Aly bought grapes
and apples
and avocados
Noah and Dad swam

The moon is trying to get full
I am getting big too
Round
Sad
Tired
Still hopeful

I am folding paper purses
Watching Big Love
Wearing your pink pajama pants
Email
Phone calls
A new magazine

Come home
Show me where you live
Talk to me
Sit on my bed
Take my flying
Dreams

Thank you for visiting sweetness...

Stevie,

Aly came in this afternoon and told me she had a dream about you. She said it was so real.

In her dream she walked into your room and you were just standing there with your wavy auburn hair and your little glasses (the cute geeky black ones) Aly said, "Oh my God Stevie" You turned around and said "Hi" Then she said "Are you Ok?" and you said "Yes". Aly told me she was thinking (in the dream) "Is this real, it seems so real, oh I don't want it to be one of those things I have to wake up from."

She told me that it felt so good to hear your voice and she just kept saying "Do you know how much I love you, I love you Stevie" You said "I know" and she hugged you.

Thank you sweet-potato for doing that, it made me cry and smile at the same time. You are a good sister.

Love you lots,
Mommy

All Hearts Day

Stevie,

It was a sad day yesterday. It is the first Valentines day without you here in your body. It was the first time I didn't give you a heart shaped box of chocolates, and a little present. Your brother and sister opened their gifts quietly.

We had chicken parm for dinner (I used fake chicken) Aly and I had a couple glasses of wine and talked about you. She still doesn't believe in God or Heaven. She is very upset because she thinks you are gone forever. I told her that you did not die, you just don't live here like you use to. She wants proof just like I do, the difference is that I still have a little damaged faith to cling to, she doesn't.

She misses you so much. We all do.

Every night for a long time an alarm has gone off. It sounds like the alarm on a watch or clock, an electronic beeping. I use to think we had an old watch in a drawer or it was a toy of Noah's. I have tried to track it down but I can not find it. Tonight I will. Last night I was too lazy to get up but I did look at the clock by my bed and it said "9:23" The damn thing goes off at 9:23 every night! That is your birthday, but you knew that didn't you. It took me a while to get it but I did, thank you.

If you were here, like you were before you left your body we would have gone to Thai for lunch, maybe the bookstore. We would have made Dad take us all to Fondue Freds for dinner and came home full of cheese, bread and chocolate.

I am almost done with the book, I had to add a couple more illustrations but it is going to be so perfect. I wonder if you like it...

When I woke up this morning I was remembering the day we sat on the floor by your closet, you wanted me to bring out all your stuff so you could organize it. That was the day you gave Noah your sacred Treasure chest of little toys you collected your whole life and gave Aly your perfume collection. You were saying good-bye. Did you know it? I wish I would have held you tighter that day and thanked you for all the gifts you gave to me. The gift of carrying you inside my body, the gift of your birth, the sweetness of your childhood, your dreams, your fairies, your morning cuddles.

You let me watch you grow and learn, you taught me so many silly things and so many things that keep me alive. You inspired my art, you loved me even when I was grouchy and terrible. You forgave me for not being perfect and you held onto me when I let go.

You left me a beautiful place to sleep and dream about you. You left me your softest pajamas, you fuzzy pink blanket, your hats and your music. I treasure these things more than you could know.

You have been the love of my life and you are my heart sweet girl.

Well my sweet lamb, my little bunny-girl I have to get your brother to school and then I am off to Iva's house to have an art-play-date. Keep visiting me in my dreams. Show your sister that you are not gone forever, just in a place she can not easily see you, teach her how to believe in magic again.

Mommy